Vivid Memories

I forgot this year. When May 15 rolled around,  I didn't think about you...my 17 year old self would be very dissapointed (I can see the disapproving eye roll now). But it came to my mind today and for some reason, this year I have reminisced and smiled more than I think I have ever been able to.

Thinking back to a young, sweet, innocent friendship - that started in grade school - based mostly on ice cream, bicycle rides and scraped knees. I still have an image of you standing at my door asking my mom if I could come play outside; riding my bike to your house, sitting in the grass talking about whatever was important to a couple of kids in elementary school.

Then middle school came - drinking pop on the trampoline, plotting shaving cream fights to kick off summer vacation.....and for some reason I so vividly remember you and your brother convincing me that he could "double bounce" me as high as the power lines (because that was obviously a good idea). I just remember flying through the air, feeling like I was falling from a 10 story building.....I think my over dramatic, "I'm going to die" scream was the source of yalls laughter for quite sometime. After making sure I was ok, you asked if I wanted to do it again...well heck yeah. So, there started the "double bouncing" wars.

High school was much different, we didn't hang out much after my family left the neighborhood. But we always had the best conversations when we did see each other. The last time we hung out, you tried to steal my "so cool" car....it was so not cool, but I laughed the entire afternoon with you.

You were so positive, encouraging and you had such an uplifting spirit. I will never ever forget our last conversation and the very last words you said to me in the stairwell leaving Mrs. Francis' class.... You were truly a great friend!

I wish I could know you now - see who you became and what you would be doing - but I don't question God's plan, there is a reason He took you home. You taught me many lessons in your short time here...lessons I didnt realize I had learned until years after you were already gone.

Thinking of you today, Eric....I feel happiness that I still have these vivid memories of you and our friendship, and I don't feel sadness so much anymore. I wish I could talk to you, hug you, and tell you I'm sorry....

"Sometimes I wonder who you'd be today" but then I remember "Only the good die young".

Cowboy Strong

tragedy

a lamentable, dreadful, or fatal event or affair; calamity; disaster

I haven't been able to find words that felt adequate to describe the situation I saw Saturday morning. I'm not going to try, but here is what I would like to say.

The things I saw that morning, by far, were the absolute most horifying things I have ever witnessed, first hand in my life. In every sense of the word, tragic. What I saw and heard will haunt me for a long time, but as all the events continually play over and over in my mind, I can see a faint light of hope for all of us.

People.

People ran to help. Most, without a second thought. Not only paramedics, firemen, law enforcement, etc. but fellow parade watchers. Average people who may have had nothing more to offer than a calm voice, a warm hand, strength, courage or a brief moment of relief. And in the aftermath this list of people continues to grow.

As more and more stories of that day come out, the more faith I have in my fellow man. Including our instate rivals, OU. The University of Oklahoma family has shown so much love and suport to OSU, from their choir singing our Alma Mater at their concert to the band flying our flag at their game and so on. It gives me chills thinking about it, but how could we expect anything less from Oklahomans?

We are not strangers to tragedy, we always rise up stronger than before and this time will be no different. But it takes people helping other people to get each and every one through something like this. Thank you to every single person who jumped in to help, who has donated financially to the victims and their families who has prayed for everyone involved (including the suspect and her family), who has offered a hug or emotional support. 

You are all heros.

Now I want to leave you with this. ..

"I'm praying for you" should not just be an expression, it is an act. 

If you tell someone you'll pray for them, then do it. There truly is power in prayer.

‪#‎StillwaterStrong‬ ‪#‎PrayersForPokes‬ ‪#‎CowboyStrong‬

(Facebook post, October 26, 2015)

January 2015

For as long as I can remember John 16:33 has been my favorite verse, in fact, it was written on my mirror for many years so I would see it first thing every morning. 

"I have told you these things so that in me you may have peace, in this world you will have trouble, but take heart, I have overcome the world!" (You will have trouble, but don't worry, I got this). 

Today another verse was given to me, John 14:18, just a few short chapters before the verse that has guided me everyday. 

"I will not leave you as orphans, I will come to you."

Through our fertility struggles john and i talked a lot about adoption, even though the Lord has blessed us with our amazing son, I believe that he is possibly still preparing us to adopt one day....is it possible that 'my verse' has taken on new meaning?

(In this world you will have trouble, but don't worry I won't leave you as orphans).

Isn't it neat how God speaks to us?

(Facebook post, January 23, 2015)

2013 Recap

I give in; here's my 2013 recap. The year started out full of hope as we finally got a referral to OU Reproductive Clinic, they couldn't see us until April so after celebrating John's birthday with a trip to Vegas, a national gun competition and an Arbonne convention we had our first appointment with the fertility doctor.

The first round of treatment expectedly failed but when preparing for the second round we were faced with a situation we had found ourselves in 2 years prior....surgery to remove another teratoma from my ovary. Against their "immediate" recommendations I refused to have the surgery until after being able to celebrate Charlie and Ashley's wedding.

The surgery went better than expected but still left me saddened by my struggle to be a mother. Lots of prayers were angrily being said during that time.

On August 9th my grandma and grandpa passed away in opposite ends of their home within a few short hours of each other. Such a sad time and a beautiful love story all at the same time.

So with such an emotional roller coaster and lots of debates over who would give me my fertility shots something exciting happened. On Friday September 13th - almost exactly one month after grandma and papa went to heaven - I took a positive pregnancy test. What a glorious moment. John may not admit it but we definitely both shed a tear.

I look forward to 2014 and the birth of our precious child. Thank you Jesus for all of the ups and downs and for all of the family and friends who reminded me of your love and grace even when I forgot.

(Facebook post, December 31, 2013)

Fulfilling your Purpose

I believe the greatest thing in life is to find out who God created you to be and fulfilling your purpose here on Earth. I have wondered for many years what my calling was, what did God create me to do? Is it true that we are all created with a divine purpose and we are all here to do something specific with the time we are given? I believe the answer to that is yes, I always have, BUT (the "but" is inevitable) as much as I have prayed for guidance I have never felt lead toward any certain path. Is it possible that I was created for a purpose that I was unknowingly fulfilling while still feeling completely "unfulfilled" myself?!

 

This weekend I believe the Lord spoke to me through my husband, and I'm about 102% sure that he doesn't even realize that it happened....more details about that to follow, first I want to dive into some background information about myself that might help the final "point" of this post.

 

Since my earliest memory as a child all I wanted to do was be the boss! I was the little girl who always wanted to play school with my friends and I always had to be the teacher. I would make all my friends sit in a half circle on the floor in front of my window bench and I would cross my legs, put on a pair of mom's reading glasses and proceed to "teach" my friends. I was then labeled by my family as a future teacher - that is who I was and that is what I was going to do when I grew up.

As the second youngest cousin out of eight and being the youngest by many years all of my cousins were getting married and having babies before I even reached my teens. All my cousins’ kids became my real life baby dolls. I would carry them around, love on them, drop them on their heads...and as I got older I became the babysitter, the bottle feeder, diaper changer, the "you're not old enough to go with us" so you can watch the little ones, cousin – and I loved it! I looked up to my older cousins; I wanted to be just like them. I wanted to have a boyfriend and get married and have babies. That is what my life has been focused on since I was at least six years old. My ultimate goal in life (while I wanted to also do other things) was to be a wife and a mother (with approximately 10 kids).

 

Throughout my high school years, that little bit of rebellious spirit I had made me start thinking that maybe there was more for me than being and teacher and more out there than just getting married and having kids. I still wanted kids, and lots of them, but maybe there was something BIGGER for me to explore. My parents all but forced me go to college (which was definitely the wrong thing for me to do at that time - but that's a completely different story). So I went off to school to find myself and the great opportunities that waited for me out there. College was the best time of my life and I wouldn't change the things I got to experience for anything but during my time there I never did genuinely find out what I wanted to do with my life. I always had teaching in the back of my mind but it didn't tug at my heart strings, it was not what I felt like I was meant to do, so I perused my degree in Agriculture instead.

 

Jump forward a few years, I meet the man who I would eventually marry, we struggled through year one of married life, decided to leave that college town and landed back in my hometown - now what? I felt like it was now time to put on my big girl panties and fulfill my calling in life, but again - what am I meant to do? Why was this so difficult for me? I would pray and pray and pray. I finally decided that this "great" job I had landed was obviously where I was meant to be (even thought I was not excited to be in this job) and it was time for hubs and I to start a family.

 

-Being new to this whole blogging thing I'm still learning how to give enough back ground info to help establish the emotion behind what I’m saying and initiate understanding when I finally reach my point without rambling, so your patience is much appreciated-

 

Hubs and I were unsuccessful at starting a family for many years. In August of 2011 I found out I had a tumor on my left ovary and it was suffocating my ovary to the point of not allowing me to ovulate. My doctor/surgeon told us that it needed to be removed immediately and we wouldn’t know if there was any permanent damage or if she would even be able to save my ovary until she got in there and looked around.  I went in for surgery on August 18^th, they made a 9 ½ inch incision on my lower abdomen (much like a c-section) and took out my ovaries – yes, both of them.  They removed the tumor, and some other “debris” from my right ovary and them put them back in.  After the surgery my doctor informed me that everything went great and we could start “family planning” after giving my body about two months to recover.  During recovery I spent a lot of time thinking and went through a period of time that I was not myself – I refer to that time of my life as the time “I went crazy”, haha. Details on that of course would be another fun story to tell but we’ll save that for later.  We went a full year with no luck conceiving so I decided to reach out to another doctor for help.  She has been wonderful, and we are currently undergoing treatment to help us with conception – basically I do not ovulate so I am taking medication to help my body ovulate. If the meds don't work this month, we have one more opportunity to try in February and after that our last option is to seek further infertility help if we want to continue "trying". Emotionally that is not something I believe I can handle any more of right now, which brings me to what I have uncovered and what my precious husband brought to me this past weekend that I believe was the Lord speaking without a doubt.

 

While he was cleaning up after working on Saturday he began telling me about a man that he worked with who had adopted children. He went into detail about their conversation and he told me all about how he felt like it was a good idea for us to explore that as an option if this ovulation medication does not work. That spawned a whole conversation about how we could take in children who have been hurt or lost and give them unconditional love and attention. I can’t even imagine what it would be like to not have parents to not feel wanted or feel like I had anywhere to call home, we have been continually blessed beyond measure and we could use our blessings to change the life of an innocent child who without us may not have any other chance at experiencing what it means to be a part of a loving family unit.  We talked in great detail about all aspects of raising children, it was one of the most magnificent feelings in the world and I haven't stopped thinking about it since.  How beautiful is this?   The fact that my precious husband brought this information to me reminds me that God will use whatever it takes to reach out to his own children and speak to them.  I prayed, for a very long time, and even though my answer did not come to me immediately, I finally heard Him and it couldn’t have been in a better way. 

 

I have always been good with children - since the early days when I was taking care of my cousin’s kids. I just connect with them on a level many people can't. I believe without a shadow of a doubt God created me with a special gift so that I can be in the field of caring for children. I don't believe it's going to be in a daycare setting and I don't believe it's going to be in a teaching role and I'm okay with not knowing exactly where this is going to lead me but I have never felt this much peace and excitement. I have looked into options here at the local university where I can get a degree in “Family Life Education – Child Development”.  Where that will take me, I'm still not sure, but I feel like I am going to become an advocate of children. I am going to be a voice for those who have no voice.  “Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute.” Proverbs 31:8 (NIV) 

 

So here it is, I have never felt more at peace, and it shows that we can NEVER lose faith.  God has created us all for something and he WILL give us our hearts desires, and sometimes we don’t even realize what those desires are until he uses someone or something to reveal it to you in a whole new light.  My passion and understanding for children is something I am supposed to use for something greater than just giving birth to my own children.   Thank you Jesus for being undeservingly good to us, I can't wait to start this journey and see where this new adventure leads.

 

 

Maybe those ten kids I wanted weren't meant to be biological....

Number 1

I feel lead to do this blog.  I'm not sure yet what I'm going to write about or what the Lord has in store for this, but I've come to a point where I'm not going to question the Lord anymore. If I claim to believe and trust in Him then I must FULLY trust.  So here is what is on my heart currently.

I have recently been filled with the Joy of the Lord.  I have known the Lord Jesus Christ as my saviour for quite sometime now (actually since May of 2001 to be exact) but it wasn't until recently that I have begun to really live with His Joy.  The Lord has created us, perfectly - we are not perfect but we are created perfectly.  He loves us so much that he has given us free will and freedom of choice.  Because of this; we will make mistakes, we will make bad decisions and "bad" things may happen.  But when we realize that all things work to the greater good for God and trust Him fully we will have incredible JOY! What is there to worry about when regardless of our mistakes we let God take control and be in control!